Okay, first - I know many of you are asking who the hell Lisa Lampanelli is. If you've ever watched a celeb roast put on recently on Comedy Central, she's the loud fattie in the middle of the roast panel. She's the almost 50 year old woman, that SCREAMS fake laughter to try and get cameras on her and laughs about her twat being so loose she can't hold a bucket of bolls of cotton in for a tampon (that was my joke, but you get the gist). She laughs about the jokes about her doing black guys and being a sperm dumpster. Her Twitter profile states "Queen of Mean". Apparently, she's not only the court jester everyone points and laughs at, but she's also scared of a 27 year old stay-at-home mom. (Me.)
Stay tuned below the jump to see how a 50 year old woman responds as a child.
Anyone who knows me, knows I accept everyone, gay or straight, black or white, short or tall, whatever. I've stood against celebs who are "gay for pay", use gay for their causes for self-promotion, use race cards and so on. My uncle is a bear gay (well, 99% - he's also a flight attendant), and like the cliche goes - one of my best friends when I was a teen was a 6 foot 5 gay drag queen, one of my Mom's good friends she worked with was gay, in fact, I get annoyed when celebs even "announce" they are coming out. Ellen did it when it was imperative and important (and how freaking hot is Portia De Rossi?). These days, it's some weird news event with press releases and it shouldn't be. If we all want treated equal, we need to ACT equal, including no pomp and circumstance for being gay, because it's WHO YOU ARE. That's the background - I digress.
So, a full week and a half ago, she decided to write a check out to a gay organization for every Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) member who showed up to protest HER SHOW. She didn't do this for the real heroes who need the attention like for a soldier's funeral. She didn't do it for Arizona when a 9 year old little girl was killed paying the $1k bounty for each Freedom Rider who showed up to make sure her funeral was peaceful. No, it was people who showed up to her show. I guess when you are as old as she is with her beef curtains dragging the ground, it's too tiring to do more than you were already doing in the first place. I commended her for this actually:
A big thanks to (westboro member's twitter name) and Westboro for helping @LisaLampanelli raise money for gays! @GMHC_online took receipt of the cash todayIn fact, I also retweeted several times the day it happened, including my own tweeting to a member of WBC to point and laugh.
This raised $50k for the charity of her choice. All good in the hood. Except, Lisa couldn't shut up about it and couldn't get enough "look at me" in 9 days. She was almost constantly in the media, on air in some form bragging about her money. Alas however, who got mentioned every single time? WBC. She then tweeted for days about how generous she was. She even got to the point where she was tweeting stories about herself!!! How about hosting a WBC roast right outside their home? Organize something with your star power, don't use them and really fray the situation.
I called Lisa Lampanelli out on this behavior. I praised the thought, but she began to get so far up her own ass, it really questions the motives she had behind her "donation". While I'm STILL thrilled anyone donated anything for charity and choosing a gay cause was her perogative, her subsequent tweets and stories show she did it all for attention. She didn't know clearly what WBC's message was (a key in knowing your enemy, especially if you are going to diss them, you should know why). Well, after a quick Google search on dates, in the 3 months prior to her stunt, she had a whopping 4 hits on news sites - 1 of which I read was a negative review as not funny and outdated material. Since the WBC ordeal, she's gotten about 1,000. In all this, she couldn't even count as high as 50 in her stunt. See, WBC said more people showed up than Lisa counted, and so Lisa didn't get called a fool, right on cue for WBC, she bumped up the cost. Now, WBC sees this as a victory. They protested, got tens of thousands of dollars in free promo, AND got Lisa to question her own numbers. They don't care she donated money. Truly, they don't. It wasn't their pockets, it wasn't their charity - they got their hateful stupid message out and got thousands of minutes of airtime and blog time. (And yes, I realize I'm giving them more but let's think in context here.)
You know this woman was so obsessed over herself, that she didn't tweet to people congratulating her or wishing her well or thanking her for her donation. Nope, a 27 year old housewife, mother of 4 got under her feathers. She was so self-servingly dense that she regarded my first tweet as a compliment!! I wrote:
@lisalampanelli was being cool about WBC/gay donation-but now she won't shut up about it like she *craves* attn 4 it (gives WBC MORE press!)She was so dense and egotistical, she saw that as a compliment!
My second tweet was:
I'm now back to hating her like I did before because her true colors are popping through, even if she had a unique idea
You know what she tweeted? Her first was something silly about how she "just couldn't help herself" and some stupid smiley face... then:
"Wow! Just noticed what u wrote on your page about me, & it was really mean & unnecessary."
Now, I got to see this because a whole TWO - yes TWO people tweeted me to defend her. Out of 150k followers, she got TWO to cry to me. Why wouldn't I see this otherwise? Cause big, bad "Queen of Mean" couldn't handle that stupid tweet of mine, blocked me so I couldn't see her comments to me because she was scared I might defend myself.
Now, her tweet about "mean" and "unnecessary" follows and precedes what, may you ask?
Tweets like making fun of Japan and the poor woman who almost died in a mauling from a chimp in New England. Japan is in devastating crisis and the woman she made fun of (Charla Nash) has to wake up every single day, looking in the mirror at her horrible disfigurement (that link may be too graphic for some that includes images of what Charla sees everyday) for something that she had no control over. Has she not seen the Oprah interview of this woman's horrible day-to-day feelings? Oh sure that was totally necessary - but to top it off, after making fun of that woman she tags it "#nottoosoon". Not rude at all to attack her, but God Forbid someone call Lisa out on her shameless self promotion and taking advantage of gays.
I'm absolutely sure Charlie Sheen was just chatting away to Lisa Lampanelli asking for her to make fun of him. Dude wipes his ass with weekly checks larger than her big mouth could hold. Then, she tweets about a nation in crisis. So she cried about my calling her out on her self-promotion, but tweets making fun of people and events that have nothing to do with her whatsoever is "called for"? Is it necessary to make fun of a woman who will be in physical pain every day of her life and emotional pain every time she looks in a mirror? (Granted, I'm sure Lisa has been in that emotional pain since birth but still...)
Look Queen of nothing, you want to dish it to people who don't know you or don't care about you that they won't bother responding. You dish it to people who did nothing to you and won't respond. In fact, you can only seem to dish it when it's written down on paper and prepared ahead of time. Sounds to me like not only are your little feelings all butt hurt over a suburban mom, but that my comment about her using the gays hit too close to home. Can't think on your feet, just on your back, Grandma? While you make your stupid jokes about dead or almost killed people, my tweet was truth so you couldn't handle it.
Her two fans, bless their little hearts, one self-proclaimed dyke (who has been psychotically tweeting Lisa for like days on end, begging to get in her hallway and Lisa won't even answer) and the other gay were up in arms. Except, they didn't know why. I asked them if the gay man could tell me why they were offended at what I said to Lisa - no answer. In fact, Lisa cheered on one fan after calling me a cunt and "go fuck my cousin" (isn't that a bit heterophobic, or maybe it's Midwest-ophobic), either way both are uncalled for and unnecessary right? I should mention, he said all this after saying the things I said to Lisa were "worse". Nope, Lisa thanked her one fan for "defending her honor".
Like this woman - twice my age, who takes pride is the only jokes about her are being a loose tramp? Gay boy (code name as I won't send traffic to his page) also decided to speak for "his" community. A) I don't see gay and straight as communities. It's pretty insulting to others if I had a "straight community" that only pushed for "straights" and I think to see the world equally, it's all of our community. Secondly, I know several gays (and a lesbian) who were offended at what gay boy was saying to me, especially when at the very least, he still didn't even know why. (Not to mention Lisa's praise for him calling my GLBT friends/followers self-loathing merely because I said Lisa was using the gay cause.) Then he complained that I was tweeting him, when he found me and tweeted me - so whatever double standard boy. The really funny and/or scary part is Gay Boy and Lisa were both referencing my tweets after they had both blocked me, so they were seriously page stalking! He later unblocked and followed me, by his logic - "to see what I'd say" about him or if anything I said pertained to him. STALKER!!
What kind of comic has the need to stalk, have a fan stand up for her since she can't stand up for herself when she acts all tough from a teleprompter, and praises fans for some pretty brash things? I used words she used about herself, otherwise I actually didn't call her names, didn't call the fan names until I'd say 98% of the way through it all - but, it gave us a good laugh. To Gay Boy, I do salute you. It's so valiant but so misguided. She didn't support gay causes en masse before this and there are literally thousands of soldiers who come home to their hate. Which do you think could have handled it more? A few people outside a crass comic's show, or grieving soldiers, who's only protection is us?
In these roasts, the USA trending topics on Twitter about her are unscientifically 80% negative. I didn't crunch numbers and I'm being generous, but there were few "like" tweets in the middle of thousands of "dislikes". Begging her to shut up, asking if her mouth or her twat is bigger, her annoying laugh, her tired ass jokes with the names changed to pertain to the guest of honor...
She says she's been in stand-up for 21 years. Honey, time to sit down and get a Hover-round, maybe AARP can step in. I'll even buy you a MedAlert bracelet. I know you probably spent your entire year's check for this donation. This chick (hopefully) joked about drugging up a dog because it was too much trouble. She took it even farther, and I'm thankful I was told, but as a trusted friend, I will not divulge her other actions regarding this.
They say all the good ones die young or too soon - Bills Hicks, John Belushi, Greg Giraldo, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Andy Kaufman, and my personal favorite comic of all-time, Mitch Hedberg. Maybe that's why Lisa Lampanelli is still alive.